there is no title.

"she is so naked and singular.
she is the sum of yourself and your dream.
climb her like a monument, step after step.
she is solid.

as for me, i am watercolor.
i wash off."

today felt like the first day of spring
but i know it is only a lie
because we haven't even begun to scratch the surface
of winter.
i don't want to be around anyone lately.
i stay,
wrapped in blankets,
trying to break this fever.
thinking about the way he talked about his own fever,
and being haunted at night by ghosts
whose voices i can't recognize.
i lay paralayzed looking up at transparent strangers
and some days i just am hoping to find some comfort in their eyes.
but they mock me with their strange language
and their lack of legs.
i wish i could float around you
and talk you to sleep.
but i'm afraid we haven't got much to say to one other.
i don't know when things changed
but i'm in no mood to fix anything.
so.
this is how it is.
happy new year.

detox&&recovery

i cant remember my flick account info.
fuck me.


in other news,
i'm sick again.
hip hip. sike.

"i can fake anything"

since this bronchitis has been kicking my ass i have:
1. developed a mild case of insomnia.
2. been watching too many movies on my netflix.
3. been stopping the movies whenever i think something terribly bad is about to happen.
(therefore, i haven't seen the endings to about 483298529x10^4 movies.)
4. not seen anyone other than my p-rents and coworkers.
5. found all sorts of old photographs of you and me and everyone we know.
6. lurking you and him and her and them on myspace.
7. not gone to the central library in 4 days!
8. been depressingly void of funds.
9. been dreaming ridiculous things that i wake up wishing had happend.
10. started about 8 blog entries and then never finished them.
11. been attempting to fill out one of those dumb myspace surveys and then realizing how nobody really wants to know who my most recent crush is (________?____) or what my favorite alcoholic beverage is (vodka cran) just saying "no" and going back to look at http://www.nataliedee.com/.
12. been talking to my dogs more which doesn't really help my appeal.
13. talked to joey everyday since he left va. it seems now that he's 4,000 miles away i talk to him more than when he was just around the way.
14. almost brought myself to calling you and then realized saying "hello" was harder than staying silent.
15. taken a bubblebath almost everyday.

two more days (according to the number of antibotics left)
&&this will all be over and i can resume my normal routine.
aka all of this but frequenting the central library
and drinking enough to pass out at a decent hour.
hooray!

thursday.

can somebody fix me? please.
i'm having trouble breathing
and i think my heart is depressed.

dangerous minds is playing again. srsly?
i just rewatched the movie, storytelling.
the first time i saw it was with mattie h.
some five years ago.

nothing ever changes.
just my health.
and only for the worse.
but you wouldn't know.
you never ask.

i just spent all my money
on medication to regulate my breathing.
this has made my heart even more depressed.
damn me for not having health insurance.

in other news,
i've been waiting since four oclock
for this stupid medicine to kick in and knock me out.
however, i'm wide awake.
and still wheezing.

did i mention,
my life rocks?

sunday sunday sunday!

a lot's happend these past few days.
joey left me on friday morning for hawaii.
and when i say me, i mean all of us.
that little booger.
justin came back from utah
bringing back stories of being
1 of 10 gay men in the state.
henry party on friday in richmond
where it was green if you're dtf.
(i wonder what color we all wore?)
i cooked breakfast for my coworkers saturday morning
and found out i got the bartending position.
so now it's sunday
and i'm coming down with a cold.
my life is going hyperspeed
right now and i can't afford to let anything keep me down.

less talk. more photag.

"the after taste of love is going to tear me apart"

despite obvious notions
i was convinced my love
was enough to brave
dangerous seas
and treacherous jungles.
but my love couldn't prevent
any natural disasters
in our direction nor
could it stop you from
taking off
to explore foreign places.
-december 5th, 2005.


all i have to say for myself is,
maybe it's me,
not them.

i keep wanting to pick up the phone and call you
but it's only self sabotage.
i'm infatuated with the impossible
and can't stop myself from kicking a dead horse.
i just keep on and keep on and keep on.

12/05/08

reunited and it feels so good
.
friday night plans:
mall to pick up my contacts
if i'm feeling it - getting my oil changed
dinner with my daddy
drinks to cure my headache
thermal pajama pants, the ones with the white hearts
control (story of Ian Curtis from Joy Divison)
&&my bed


unless you've got something better in mind.
///i plan on being in bed by 1130.
call me if you get drunk and need a dd.

i came in third.

the end of november.

this is my fifth and final attempt.
i keep waking up with new battle wounds
and no recollection of how i got them.
i've been fantasizing over the prospect
of packing my bags and heading overseas
when the weather turns warmer.
i need some new horizons.

like britney spears i feel like
every day is groundhog day.
&&i don't understand when being single
turned me into a leper.
is someone going to come to my house tomorrow
and ship me off to some remote island
just because, right now,
i don't want to be somebody's baby?!
everyone at work wants to tell me how to live.
and apparently the answer to everything
is to let go and let someone in.

december is going to be a better month.
of this, i'm sure.

it wasn't me. i wasn't there.

i think someone's been trying to write
their name on my arm.
the past two days i've woke up
with a new cut on my arm.
the two cuts are forming the letter "y".
perhaps i'm being haunted by a ghost named
"yuri" who wants to take me back to his homeland.
that could be pretty adventurous.

"heaven is a feeling i get in your arms"

every so often i feel the need to embark on an adventure.
lately i've been fantasizing about the idea
of going to europe this summer.
i'd go alone,
but my mom and mgmt
are fearful for my life.
i need to a find a traveling friend.
i want to climb into someone's suitcase
and wake up in unfamiliar territory.
until then all i can do is read these books i've checked out from the library.

it's sunday.

so i wrote this entire blog
about ghosts, living in new york,
the killers first album,
how you were in my dream twice again last week,
but not you - you self-centered son of a bitch,
my love affair with alcohol,
and how i can't remember the last sober thing i did.

but it was boring.
and i've got a gma to discuss life problems with.

&& this is why i love bffls.

we're only halfway there.

our drunk faces.


their happy-go-lucky cute faces.


window-shopping lovers.


bad decisions in a bottle (disguised).



once again, too bad he likes dick.

boooooooooooo!

it's really only tuesday!!!!

this has been me all day.
i don't know why i have to procrastinate til the last minute.
it's exhausting.
i'm exhausting.



thanks ladies for the bathroom refreshments last night.
kudos to you and mad dog and the yummy vodka mix in a bottle.




if you want to
i could save you
i could take you away from here.
michelle branch lyrics
or a plea for you to let me in?

just a few from the weekend.

there would've been more
but i didn't know where my purse was most of the time
or my camera
or myself.


good times though.
thanks friends.

my friday night plans

we're all gonna blackout together.
or so they say.

hi. hello. and how do you do?

-www.tarpeyphoto.com

look in the left corner.
yeah that's me getting fed a pitcher of beer by aaron.

shit is funny.


in other news,
i'm off all weekend let's celebrate.

BFFFFFL:have you met yet?

we have a black president

and i woke up this morning
with hardly any clothes on,
completely still drunk at 2pm,
having missed all my classes,
a pain in my arm from where someone bit me,
a missing debit card,
smeared mascara all over my face,
and loose change and alex's clothes scattered all over my car.
if this wasn't a normal occurence, i might be really really
shocked and upset.


i've decided no more shots on tuesdays.
i did ground control around 3
and texted all the appropriate parties
to apologize for my dramatics.
if i forgot someone ... oops.

but today's a new day.
we have a new president
and i can't even remember so and so's name anymore.




fuck bitches.
our president has a huge cock.



(p.s. HI AMBER. this was for you.)

these past two weekends...