there is no title.

"she is so naked and singular.
she is the sum of yourself and your dream.
climb her like a monument, step after step.
she is solid.

as for me, i am watercolor.
i wash off."

today felt like the first day of spring
but i know it is only a lie
because we haven't even begun to scratch the surface
of winter.
i don't want to be around anyone lately.
i stay,
wrapped in blankets,
trying to break this fever.
thinking about the way he talked about his own fever,
and being haunted at night by ghosts
whose voices i can't recognize.
i lay paralayzed looking up at transparent strangers
and some days i just am hoping to find some comfort in their eyes.
but they mock me with their strange language
and their lack of legs.
i wish i could float around you
and talk you to sleep.
but i'm afraid we haven't got much to say to one other.
i don't know when things changed
but i'm in no mood to fix anything.
so.
this is how it is.
happy new year.

detox&&recovery

i cant remember my flick account info.
fuck me.


in other news,
i'm sick again.
hip hip. sike.

"i can fake anything"

since this bronchitis has been kicking my ass i have:
1. developed a mild case of insomnia.
2. been watching too many movies on my netflix.
3. been stopping the movies whenever i think something terribly bad is about to happen.
(therefore, i haven't seen the endings to about 483298529x10^4 movies.)
4. not seen anyone other than my p-rents and coworkers.
5. found all sorts of old photographs of you and me and everyone we know.
6. lurking you and him and her and them on myspace.
7. not gone to the central library in 4 days!
8. been depressingly void of funds.
9. been dreaming ridiculous things that i wake up wishing had happend.
10. started about 8 blog entries and then never finished them.
11. been attempting to fill out one of those dumb myspace surveys and then realizing how nobody really wants to know who my most recent crush is (________?____) or what my favorite alcoholic beverage is (vodka cran) just saying "no" and going back to look at http://www.nataliedee.com/.
12. been talking to my dogs more which doesn't really help my appeal.
13. talked to joey everyday since he left va. it seems now that he's 4,000 miles away i talk to him more than when he was just around the way.
14. almost brought myself to calling you and then realized saying "hello" was harder than staying silent.
15. taken a bubblebath almost everyday.

two more days (according to the number of antibotics left)
&&this will all be over and i can resume my normal routine.
aka all of this but frequenting the central library
and drinking enough to pass out at a decent hour.
hooray!

thursday.

can somebody fix me? please.
i'm having trouble breathing
and i think my heart is depressed.

dangerous minds is playing again. srsly?
i just rewatched the movie, storytelling.
the first time i saw it was with mattie h.
some five years ago.

nothing ever changes.
just my health.
and only for the worse.
but you wouldn't know.
you never ask.

i just spent all my money
on medication to regulate my breathing.
this has made my heart even more depressed.
damn me for not having health insurance.

in other news,
i've been waiting since four oclock
for this stupid medicine to kick in and knock me out.
however, i'm wide awake.
and still wheezing.

did i mention,
my life rocks?

sunday sunday sunday!

a lot's happend these past few days.
joey left me on friday morning for hawaii.
and when i say me, i mean all of us.
that little booger.
justin came back from utah
bringing back stories of being
1 of 10 gay men in the state.
henry party on friday in richmond
where it was green if you're dtf.
(i wonder what color we all wore?)
i cooked breakfast for my coworkers saturday morning
and found out i got the bartending position.
so now it's sunday
and i'm coming down with a cold.
my life is going hyperspeed
right now and i can't afford to let anything keep me down.

less talk. more photag.

"the after taste of love is going to tear me apart"

despite obvious notions
i was convinced my love
was enough to brave
dangerous seas
and treacherous jungles.
but my love couldn't prevent
any natural disasters
in our direction nor
could it stop you from
taking off
to explore foreign places.
-december 5th, 2005.


all i have to say for myself is,
maybe it's me,
not them.

i keep wanting to pick up the phone and call you
but it's only self sabotage.
i'm infatuated with the impossible
and can't stop myself from kicking a dead horse.
i just keep on and keep on and keep on.

12/05/08

reunited and it feels so good
.
friday night plans:
mall to pick up my contacts
if i'm feeling it - getting my oil changed
dinner with my daddy
drinks to cure my headache
thermal pajama pants, the ones with the white hearts
control (story of Ian Curtis from Joy Divison)
&&my bed


unless you've got something better in mind.
///i plan on being in bed by 1130.
call me if you get drunk and need a dd.

i came in third.