i don't feel like a party.

i watched the movie penelope tonight.
and now i just want my own fairy tale.
god, i sound so lame right now.
but i just want to be kissed and have the world stop moving
and not be wondering about other irrevelant things
during the process
like if i'm working the next day
or i remembered to turn the light off.
and i don't want to be slobbering drunk
and unable to remember his name
or what color his eyes were.

&&isn't it ironic that my ipod shuffle put on
"dont waste your heart on a wild thing
she's got a soul that won't settle on one thing
oh, this bird can't sing when you've tied it's wings
don't waste your heart on me."

yeah, awesome.
i feel like a lonely bum tonight
so i don't want to go out.
and oh yeah,
it's been 21 days since i've had a drink.

blahblahblahbeboop.

i went a saw a romantic comedy last night
with gabby and nicole.
maybe you've heard of it,
my bloody valentine 3-d

best part:

boy says to girl he's having an affair with: but i didn't get you anything for valentines day.
girl says: oh but you have. (whispers) i'm pregnant.
enter looks of shock, disbelief, and horror.

what a way to scare a guy into possibly murdering you.


and the crowd bursts into laughter.
maybe not the crowd, just me.
how beautiful.

you got another thing coming.

so today while going to farm fresh to purchase
my bottle of sparkling pear juice (mighty delicious i might add)
a group of boys yelled,
"girl i ain't never seen an ass like that".
is that lyrics from an eminem song?
god i hope so.

it's officially been 14 days.
i feel like i have more fans now that i don't drink.
has it sorted out all my problems?
no, not really.
i'm probably more lonely than ever
but finding other ways to deal with it.
i broke down in my manager's office the other day
to the point i started shaking.
and i don't ever consciously do things like that.
i really needed a friend
but i didn't know who i could talk.
and not really a friend just someone i could sit with
and hug and cry on a little and not feel awkward with.
it'll come with time.
i don't know how to relate to many people.
but i guess that's okay. i feel pretty grown up.
aside from vegas i may not drink anymore period.
i like this me.

bats, boys, bars, and birthdays.

mikey thinks i have bad taste in men.

i don't let my sobriety keep me in doors.

shane was getting down & dirty last night at the wave.
i love what $2 coronas do to that boy.


alex really likes to take photos in my car
while i'm driving && occasionally at red lights.


oh look, no hands. who's driving my car???
(on the interstate and by on i'm all OVER the interstate)


how did new york & co
know exactly the look i'm going for?


but on the real
i had a bad day today
and wanted nothing more to drink
it all away.
but i kept strong.
12 days - sober living.


i can't sleep either.
well only for two hours at a time.
its 1:28 and i'm wiiiide awake.
i don't understand anyone, anymore
and i feel like everyone just keeps saying
the same things they said 2 months ago.
but then again, so do i.
i want to buy a better camera
and start taking your picture.
i work 13 shifts next week
i don't know why i like to torture myself.


enough rambling.

somewhere draw me a super cute
elephant so i can get it tattooed
on my shoulder this weekend.
kthanks.

no sense crying over split coffee.

"It looks like you are well aware that your drinking has a negative outcome. Look through the textbook for this class, we will be covering a lot of topics that should be of help to you."

-a message from my college success skills teacher.


next time i go out i'm gonna be all

HEY GIRL HEY
with some sparkling grape juice!
(even start dressing up for parties that don't require it)


so i was talking to some friends
that came in to eat this morning.
and when you talk about the reasons
you broke up with your boyfriend
(in my case alcohol)
you realize how silly it was for you to
stay with him (booze)
for as long as i did
(many years of unconditional love
and painful mornings when he tricked me
into hanging out and then left me sick
at sunrise after a night of looking like
"the crazy bitch" girlfriend)
anyways,
the conversation confirmed the fact
i am doing the right thing for me.
i need to break the shackles that he
(vodka, sparks, joose, CHAMPAGNE -- some of his many names)
has on my heart
(liver, social life, relationship status, work ethic, bank account)
and just be alone (in reality) for a while.

how i spent friday night.

watching mikey eat a delicious meal @ macarthur mall,
meditate about it, and then give me a thumbs up
showing me it was an overall sucessful endeavor.
oh yeah && hannah launched her magazine with it's first issue
TASTE
check it out. i'll post the site later.

oh yeah
i hacked into my flick account tonight wooooo.

i'ma twiiin.

las vegas for spring break!
say what!

on this day.

buy me a shiny new machine
that runs on lies and gasoline
and all those batteries we stole from smoke alarms,
and disasseembles my dispair,
it never took me anywhere,
it never once bought me a drink.
- the weakerthans.


someone close to someone who was close
to me has died
and i don't even know how to be
a friend anymore.

and i can't decide which is sadder.
but if you're reading this, i'm sorry.
(even though you're probably not.)
but maybe someone who is close to you now
will tell you that i'm sending you an e-hug
and i wish things weren't the way they are
and i know how much he meant to you
and i know you lost your heart today
and that i wish i could take your pain and
swallow it whole for you.
also that i'm sorry that it's come to
blogging on the internet to tell you that
i love you
and i wish i could be there for you
but i know it'd be too akward
to have me around.
but i'm here.
you have my number.
i only live 12 minutes away.
remember? we timed it.



...

we wont stand for hazy eyes anymore.

if you know my flickr account 411
please get me informed.

in other news,


HEY ASYMMETRICAL HAIR HEYYYYY

i quit.

so after thinking long and hard
and successfully losing a few friends last night
i have decided to stop drinking.

i know that alcohol has been pretty much
a daily ritual for the past few years
it's just at twenty two i no longer like the person i become
when i drink.

i spent last night,
saying really mean things to a handful of people,
hurting others because i felt they had hurt me,
waking my parents again to come get me at three in the morning
cos i tried to walk home in the rain from another party
while crying and being a total mess.
so many things could have happend to me.
i could've been raped, hit by a car, or a handful of other
horrible things my mother warns me about.
i was a total asshole.
i don't remember what i said.
but i'm sure it was hurtful.
i bottle up so many things for so long
that when i'm drinking everything comes out
in a very unflattering way.
i don't think i have successful relationships with people
because alcohol prevents those from happening.

i can't do it anymore.
so there it is.
i'm done.

now i just have to figure out with people who don't drink do.
at least the semester is about to start and i should be pretty
occupied with that.

it's just every activity i do
i always feel it'd be better if i was drunk.
i think i'm going to look into going to some AA meetings
if anyone wants to join me.
(fat chance i know.)


so here's to new begginings.
and about last night,
i'm really sorry.
but i doubt those words will fix anything.

this is not novelty.

i decided to teach myself italian.
it's not as easy as it looks.

i want to read good news, but nothing good is happening.

i'm starting to wonder if i'll ever
find a place where i fit in.
i want school to start right now,
so i car just barracade myself in my room,
with my books and my studies
and be so busy i don't have to worry about my lack
of best friends and/or golden files.



all this time spent alone
playing solitare is really becoming
quite a bore.

nothing hurts more than sleeping with a best friend.

i'm becoming better best friends with television characters
than with real people.

i'm on disc three of gossip girl
and on my fifth glass of vodka orange.

i've alienated myself from pretty much everyone
but for good reason.
i just don't know why i'm so suprised
that nobody misses me.

i feel like i'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown.
maybe i'll just get drunk tonight
and listen to some rilo kiley or jets to brazil
or god i don't know lauryn hill,
think about everything,
cry,
write you a letter,
in an ill-fated attempt to regain a lost friend,
never give it to you,
and pass out.


jesus christ.
plz don't tell me this is the sign
of how the rest of the year will be.

with the traffic and our heart beats

like woah! is all i have to say about last night.




i've decided to really cut the bullshit this year.
//friend wise, boy wise, life wise.
i also want to watch all of the star wars movies
because i feel like i'm missing out on something.
and i want to travel to four new places.
somewhere each season.
and i want to learn to save money.
and find a best friend. hahaha.

two thousand and fine.

not even going down on my bottle of champagne
could get the attention of a pair of gays on new years.
what a motherfucker.


just kidding.
last night was good.
even though i hung out with folks in parts.
made meatballs with jason and devin.
potlucked at welseys.
ended up walking with jessica to carytown.
got taken some to punk rock party
where a boy with spikes and a bullet belt
was letting his dick bounce around in everyone's face.
(thanks timmy)


since when did my life turn into
the makings of a shitty porn?



happy new years.